I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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