I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
