listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
