Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
