Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize