wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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