these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
