i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
