she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
