i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize