hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
