ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
