Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
