I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
