If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
