He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
