He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
