I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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