Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
