What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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