Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You left your phone here
Wait...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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