Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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