So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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