Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
