My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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