Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
