She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
