You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize