Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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