I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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