I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
