Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
