I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
