I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
