Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my sisters under your porch take her home
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
