So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
