I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
