Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Say something about gay babies.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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