Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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