do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
