Are we in a gay sports bar?
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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