Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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