We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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