You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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