I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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