I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
