if i can run in heels then i can drive
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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