I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
