In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
