is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
