omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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