return my video game
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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