you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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