im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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