epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
