So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
