Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
