i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
