I wish life had little blips of pornography
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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