Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize