high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
