i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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