He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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