My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
