FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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