You smell like a Billy Joel song
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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