I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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