You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
