you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
